Rationally I know that I am not stuck. I know that I shouldn't measure my life against anyone else. I know that my life runs at a different speed and often leads in different directions. Rationally I realize that life isn't some super-secret formula that I didn't get.
Sometimes rationality goes out the window.
Because sometimes I get struck by an awful melancholy. Where I imagine my life in ten years time living in the same place, still single, still studying, surrounded by a multitude of cats having completed exactly none of my personal goals, having done nothing. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing life right, like I'm not following the set formula. I constantly feel like I am completely out of step, marching to the beat of my own drum and what's worse marching in the wrong direction.
Then I remind myself that just because it feels like everyone else has a career, a partner, a house and a clear direction and I don't it doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. I remember it's okay to break the mold. It just means I'm on a very interesting, sometimes winding, sometimes rocky, road that should be treated like the adventure it is. Life is an adventure!! It's not just about making it to the next stage - life is about the journey along the way.
I want to live a verse by Jay Malinowski (soon to be featured in my regular Music That Moves Me post)
A few lines from 'How It Comes Is How It Goes' really resonates with my spirit:
'Girls, some girls are talkin' mad
About things and lives and love they never had
You, you should run free
And be the one you were always gonna be'
I don't want to live my life constantly thinking about the 'what if's' and the 'why didn't life turn out right'. I really just want to run free into my own special place in life. The place where I am supposed to be - where I am comfortable, where I am free and most importantly where I am just me. I don't want to be a shoulda/coulda/woulda kinda girl who is always thinking about things that didn't eventuate. I want to be fully in the moment - enjoying my life for what it is right now, right this second.
I'm not saying I don't have goals. I do. Goals are important. But I'm not going to hold so tightly to my goals that it becomes a strangle-hold that pulls me under. Work towards your goals - yes. Try for the very best - yes. But don't become so focused on your goals that you miss what is happening right here, right now.
I will embrace the freedom of just being me. Not constantly comparing my life to others, not constantly wishing life were a different way but instead enjoying MY journey - not their journey but my journey. I will run the race that is set before me. Because life would be incredibly boring if we were all doing the same thing.
This will be a constant battle for me as I have a tendency towards the melancholy state of mind. But I am determine to enjoy life and not just sit by the sidelines for fear of doing something wrong. Life is too short to wait for it all to come together so I'd better get on it.
I hope that you have the strength to enjoy your life exactly where it is. What's happening in your world?
Image found here.
i think rationality ran away with boring - let them both be
ReplyDeleteWe need to catch up again.. I hear you so loud and clear that it echos in my own life. I never wanted to have a family but now that I do, I never want to lose them. Some days I wonder if I started to early, or wish for the things I could have done before I settled down. But I may not have done things that I think I want to do... One look at my husband and adorable daughter reminds me of what I have. You hit the nail on the head when you said it's your journey, no one elses. Your a bright light in the midst of daily challenges that are unique to you. Life has thrown you curve balls that you've thrown right back. Your dedication to people and the things you love proves that are not wasting time. Your strength amazing me. You are so worthy and loved in God's eyes. You may not feel like you can do what everyone else does but in the circumstances you do everything and more I think. Your heart is so big and God so loves you for that.
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up. You are worthy of your life, you are in charge alongside God and he will be there in your passengers seat. Close to door to the back seat drivers. (Did you hear Ps Julia preach on this?) Will explain when we catch up. Love you xx