An interesting experience

I had an exceptionally interesting day. Today I felt more disabled than I have in a long, LONG time... Let me explain...

First if you know me or have read my blog before you'll know that I have a mild form of cerebral palsy.

What I mean by feeling more disabled is that I know what I am skilled at and what I enjoy and I live my life accordingly. I'm a library person, I'm a watching movie person, I'm a reader, I'm a let's-go-for-coffee/let's-go-out-for-dinner person and I'm a let's-go-shopping person if the occasion calls for it. I am NOT a sport activities person - I'm talking nothing more than short (15 min), slow walks and the occasional swim. I have next to no physical strength and/or prowess.

This is for a number of reasons not the least of which is I am PHYSICALLY disabled. Not to mention my personality is more creatively attuned than having a focus on physicality. But to be honest I am hardly ever aware than I'm disabled (I mean, I'm disabled - that is a completely a part of me) but I have been living with my disability my whole life and I have figured out how to live my life to it's fullest with my disability having a very minimal impact. Now it must be understood I am 'all there' up there. I am of average intelligence. I manage to work, study at university and have an active social life. I love my life and I am proud of what I have accomplished and what I will accomplish!!!

Bur today I felt incredibly disabled... You see one of my good friends was having a hens night (day). With me she dinners and watches movies but she loves physical activity. So after having a picnic morning tea we walked to the next activity - a exceptionally (for me at least) fast-paced 1/2 an hour walk. I was dead tried with seriously sore feet when we arrived at the destination - all this before the activity. Kayaking up the Brisbane river!!

So after having a mild panic attack (okay not so mild - I started crying my eyes out. Thankfully the bride-to-be was already in the water). I managed to get into the kayak without falling in (a true fear). And started to paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and I had managed to get nowhere except take myself in a circle. After 10 min of this with my friends about 200 meters down the river I was begging our guide (who was supposed be paddling with the rest of the group) to let me out so he could go and actually guide the tour. Instead the tethered my kayak to the back of his and pulled me allow under the provision that I paddle as well (knowing full well that my paddling skill was much the same as trying to win a sword fight with a cooked noodle). My arms were KILLING 15 min into the kayaking adventure -- and it was a 1 1/2 hour tour!! Anyway, with the guide at the helm I managed to keep pace with the rest of the group but all the while knowing that I was completely incapable of completing this task by myself. I was so out of my element. I felt utterly DISabled. This was one of the first times I've wished I was just like every one else and I felt lost.

Basically it was a complete excise in reminding me just how different I am. I had gotten so good at 'passing' and so good at sticking to what I'm good at that it was a shock to me to realize that I am so different. Plus I started to feel extremely self-conscious that all my friends were realizing just how disabled and how different I am - now I have no idea what they actually think, you'll have to ask them.

So now I'm here at the end of this challenging day just trying to process it all feeling sorer than I have felt. I suppose I hadn't realized how much I had built my life to fit my disability. I have worked hard to make my life work to the optimum. Now questions remain. Will my friends look at me differently? Will I look at me differently? But in it all I'm glad that I went because I got to share an experience with some good friends celebrating an awesome friend's up-coming wedding. And she wanted me there and she shared an activity that she loves. Plus this has allowed me the chance to review how I live my life and how I feel about my life, who I am and by what definition I consider success.

So that was my day. How was yours?