I Choose...

 It's 3:45 am and smoke hangs heavy in the air. Sleep does not come easy to this restless mind of mine...

So now seems as good a time as any to actually type out a post I've been writing in my head for quite a while now. You know the type that you write and re-write over and over in your mind til one day you actually sit down at your keyboard and punch it out.

Yep it's one of those posts... So settle in for a manifesto of sorts if you will. Hope to see you on the other side.

I Choose

I choose to throw away the measuring stick

I choose not listen to those who seek to bring me down

I choose to stop keeping up with the Jones (who are they anyway?)

I choose to follow my own path wherever it may go

I choose to not get to get discouraged when things don't happen as I expected

I choose to do what makes me happy

I choose to live, laugh, love and learn

I choose to tune out those who don't deserve a say in my life to begin with

I choose to live a BIG life

I choose to be brave and stick to my guns

I choose to passionately pursue my photography career with vigor and determination

I choose to grow and learn and develop my photography skills in every way possible

I choose to go on adventures...even if they are in my own city

I choose not to put life on pause waiting for something to happen

I choose to be confident in my talents and abilities

I choose to be confident in myself

I choose not to care about other's judgments

I choose to dream

I choose to have fun 

I choose to stand up for myself and for what I believe in

I choose not to spend so much time thinking/worrying about tomorrow

I choose to live in the moment

I choose to make mistakes and I choose to learn from them

I choose joy

I choose to be who I am no matter what the circumstance

I choose to see the beauty in every moment I have on this Earth and make the most of each moment

What about you? What do you choose?

 

Well That Was Unexpected

So a month and a half between posts isn't all that flash is it? I've had things to say but actually saying them seemed like a huge jump.

If you follow me on Twitter, Instagram (taflineh) or Facebook you would be well aware that roughly 7 weeks ago I broke my ankle and have been unable to walk at all until just recently. So you could say I've had nothing but time to write blog post. But whenever I started to write it all seemed forced or fake or going in directions that I didn't want them to. 

I'm one of those people who if I'm not careful I get attacks of what I like to call 'stinking thinking'. Let me tell you when you have nothing but time on your hands 'stinking thinking' is nigh impossible to avoid. And really who wants to read (or write for that matter) a blog were a person is just moaning? So it seemed like a far more preferable option to keep silent. 

But now it's time to pick myself up off the mat and get going again...

Blank...

Hi and happy December lovely readers. Just wanted to say I haven't forgotten about you or my little slice of the Internet. I hope you haven't forgotten me either.

The truth is I've been feeling a little... well... blank. Not unhappy, depressed or even uninspired. Just a little blank. I recently commented to a friend that I couldn't remember what I did with myself before photography. During project 365 there were always photos to edit, posts to write, ideas to chase down.

Now I have a little free time on my hands. I haven't been idle by any means. There was/is assistant work to do, photography adventures to take with friends and family, endless amounts of research (photography related of course) and projects to consider. I guess I never thought I would find it strange not to take a picture every day. Go figure hey?

But I have an idea for my next project. It's not fully formed yet and I still need to figure out exactly how to make it work. Never fear once it's ready I'll be sure to tell you all about it. It's still in its infancy but I think it could turn into something spectacular. We'll just have to wait and see.

I suppose I always feel slightly blank around this time of year and I guess this year is no exception. I don't consider it to be a bad thing to be blank sometimes - that's often when I get my best ideas. It just feels a little strange to go from an active year to contemplating what might be next. I plan to enjoy this stage though because if everything goes according to plan for next year I will find myself very grateful for this time of rest.

It seems odd to post without a picture... My how this blog has changed! At the start I simply wrote with barley any visual enticement only to swing almost to the complete opposite. It's a testament to my passions I suppose. When I picture my future or even indulge in the odd fanciful daydream photography is now front and center. It's so refreshing and fulfilling and exciting to have found something that I can do (and grow in skill) and am completely passionate about. What's better way to spend your days than doing something you love?

Well this has been a bit of a rambler. If you made it this far thanks for hanging in there! So until my next project is ready to be launched I have some recent photos that I'd love to share. So stay tuned for more.

And in the meantime I hope you have having a wonderful holiday season!

Sometimes...

- I lose perspective

- I lose sanity

- Sometimes I run smack bang into a solid wall of horrific awfulness:

Where I feel my seven years of chronic pain: where I am reminded of the daily struggle of life with a disability: where I am reminded of past trials that have left their mark: where I feel all alone feeling as if the whole world is in a couple and having cute little babies: where is feels like life is so very off-course and other people are living the life I want.

It is in this place that I complain that other people are having an easy ride without knowing a single thing about their lives. I yell and scream that I have had enough trials and that it's time to go pick on someone else. I crumble and fall under the imagined weight. It is there that I yell that it is just too much for one person. I cry that I am done.

- Sanity returns after my temper tantrum. That's what it is - me throwing a fit because I feel like everything is unfair. It is simply me feeling like I have been left out and forgotten. It's just me with my idiotic insecurities feeling like I'm not good enough.

Instead I choose to claim what is mine:
- yes I have a disability
- yes I am in constant sever chronic pain
- yes I have a history (who doesn't)
- yes I am currently single
- yes I want the whole package
- yes I am hurt that things aren't going according to plan

- BUT I refuse to let it steal my joy. I refuse to let it color my European adventure in hues of sadness and bitterness.

Instead I choose to acknowledge my dreams, hopes, and desires. I choose to acknowledge my past hurts and pain. I choose to acknowledge my ongoing struggles.

But I refuse to let them define me. Instead I choose to get on with life as it is right now.

Most of all I choose to enjoy my holiday and not let myself be dragged down by the darker parts of life.

Sometimes I lose sanity and perspective for a while. But I usually make it back...

Does this ever happen to you? Are you ever overwhelmed by your own insecurities and hurts? Don't let them define you, dear one, instead use them as a launch pad to your next big adventure.

The Count Down Well and Turly Begins

As you may have heard me mention in past postings I am going on a BIG adventure soon. Very soon in fact. Really soon: 12 days soon.

12 days!!!

That's right in 12 short days I will start an adventure I have been dreaming about for 18 or so years. It's a big tick on the 'Life: To Do List'.

I have been trying not to think about it too much (a failing quite frankly) in a desperate attempt to keep my mind on my studies. I've almost done it too - a few more hundred words and I will have completed all the essays for this semester.

But I am now face-to-face with the unavoidable truth - in less than a fortnight I will be heading overseas. Wherever is am I gallivanting to I hear you wonder. Well, here it is. The outline of the BIG adventure.

- Land in Newcastle via Dubai
- Where we pick up the hire car
- Do a self directed driving tour of Scotland and Britain (more on that in a later post)
- To London to meet up with the tour

Tour takes us to:
- Amsterdam
- Rhineland
- Lucerne
- Innsbruck
- Verona
- Venice
- Rome
- Sorrento
- Florence
- Pisa
- Nice
- Cannes
- Lyon
- Paris
- Back to London

- Spend a few more days in London exploring then off to Heathrow to start the long journey home

I am starting to get really excited!!! I can't wait to take photos of...well...everything!! I have a feeling I'm going to love every second of it.

But before I go I have got to:
- finish two assignments (!!)
- celebrate my birthday (Yippee)
- attend a going away party for my best friend (seriously the saddest thing. I am so so happy for her and proud of her for landing such a great job. But I am going to miss her like crazy. The selfish part of me is devastated she's leaving - the person I can talk to honestly about anything - but I know that she is going to do amazing things. Besides that's what Skype, email and Facebook is for.)
- go to a wedding (Woohoo!!)
- finish all the last minute things I've forgotten
- PACK!!!

I am nervous, excited, slightly stressed, sad and a whole bunch of other emotions. I'm slowly becoming a ball of mixed emotions. This will be the fruition of much planning, dreaming and saving that has been in the works for 2 years.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is one of WARNING! In 12 days this blog will become a travel blog of sorts with pictures, funny or not so funny experiences, thoughts and feelings on any given place or situation. I will endeavor to keep up with my regular posts but the time change will probably confuse me no end.

I do so hope you join me on my journey and offer comments along the way. Please stick with me through this slight aberration. I just think this experience will be too wonderful not to share. Be brave - try something out of the ordinary.

May the rest of your week be amazing!!

Image found here... Yahoo!!! I'm going to be there soon.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

...

...Sometimes you're just stuck with lemons for a while.

Undoubtedly you will find sweetness and pure water soon enough. Lemonade will eventuate in it's own sweet time. But for the moment - just for a little while all you've got is lemons.

It is okay to feel the burn and the sting. It's okay to yearn for some sugar to compensate for the bitter tang. For some clear, clean water to dilute the overwhelming taste.

But there are lemons sure and true. Don't underestimate the power of the lemon though. A lemon can cleanse and refresh the palate so you can be ready for something new. The tangy, bitter bite can spur you on to make the big decisions and take decisive action.

Hold on to the gossamer hope that there will be sweetness in the end.

But right here, right now, at this very moment, there are lemons and you despise them.

Image found here.

Untitled
~ by Tafline

Sleep comes not easy to my weary soul tonight
My heart is screaming its lament
Just begging to be heard

In the deepest, darkest places doubt begins to grow
That nagging, sinister feeling that I won't make it
That I don't belong
The near silent whisper in my ear rasping
'You're not good enough
Not smart enough
Not pretty enough
Not even worth a cent'

Then in the stillness I gently hear
'Stand strong little soldier
There are battles yet to fight
But there is joy in the quiet place
And peace to find your rest'

I roll my shoulders back
Ready to fight and hold my ground
But in the battlefield of the mind
Is akin to guerrilla warfare
Sometimes taking me unawares

Best be on constant guard then
Always at the ready
To take on whatever may come my way

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd love any feedback on my poetry as I'm always trying to perfect the art
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope that your day is filled with light and hope, wisdom and truth... and with as little lemon juice as possible. Take care of yourselves, my dear readers, whoever you may be.

The Suckyness of Feeling Stuck

Following on from my 'But What?' post. Sometimes I feel stuck - like life is rushing by me and I'm dawdling, wasting time and completely lost.

Rationally I know that I am not stuck. I know that I shouldn't measure my life against anyone else. I know that my life runs at a different speed and often leads in different directions. Rationally I realize that life isn't some super-secret formula that I didn't get.

Sometimes rationality goes out the window.

Because sometimes I get struck by an awful melancholy. Where I imagine my life in ten years time living in the same place, still single, still studying, surrounded by a multitude of cats having completed exactly none of my personal goals, having done nothing. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing life right, like I'm not following the set formula. I constantly feel like I am completely out of step, marching to the beat of my own drum and what's worse marching in the wrong direction.

Then I remind myself that just because it feels like everyone else has a career, a partner, a house and a clear direction and I don't it doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. I remember it's okay to break the mold. It just means I'm on a very interesting, sometimes winding, sometimes rocky, road that should be treated like the adventure it is. Life is an adventure!! It's not just about making it to the next stage - life is about the journey along the way.

I want to live a verse by Jay Malinowski (soon to be featured in my regular Music That Moves Me post)
A few lines from 'How It Comes Is How It Goes' really resonates with my spirit:

'Girls, some girls are talkin' mad
About things and lives and love they never had
You, you should run free
And be the one you were always gonna be'

I don't want to live my life constantly thinking about the 'what if's' and the 'why didn't life turn out right'. I really just want to run free into my own special place in life. The place where I am supposed to be - where I am comfortable, where I am free and most importantly where I am just me. I don't want to be a shoulda/coulda/woulda kinda girl who is always thinking about things that didn't eventuate. I want to be fully in the moment - enjoying my life for what it is right now, right this second.

I'm not saying I don't have goals. I do. Goals are important. But I'm not going to hold so tightly to my goals that it becomes a strangle-hold that pulls me under. Work towards your goals - yes. Try for the very best - yes. But don't become so focused on your goals that you miss what is happening right here, right now.

I will embrace the freedom of just being me. Not constantly comparing my life to others, not constantly wishing life were a different way but instead enjoying MY journey - not their journey but my journey. I will run the race that is set before me. Because life would be incredibly boring if we were all doing the same thing.

This will be a constant battle for me as I have a tendency towards the melancholy state of mind. But I am determine to enjoy life and not just sit by the sidelines for fear of doing something wrong. Life is too short to wait for it all to come together so I'd better get on it.

I hope that you have the strength to enjoy your life exactly where it is. What's happening in your world?

Image found here.

But What?

A person - whose opinion I respect more than basically anyone - recently suggested it's time for me to take the next step.

I whole-heatedly agree...

But now I am left with that awful question:

What exactly is the next step?

In general society terms everyone lives according to milestones - baby is born, baby is crawling/talking/walking, child begins school, child finishes school, young adult decides what to be in life, adult meets someone, marriage maybe, pregnancy, baby is born.

I have no problem with this cycle - this is what keeps life going. To be clear I'm just talking in general terms. I realize that life is far more complex.

But there can be a problem when you fall outside the 'normal' sphere. When you want something different from life and just can't seem to fit. I am completely happy to be unique - it's an integral part of my identity.

This, however, can create a problem. I'm finding it hard to figure out the next step. What I do know is - at this point in my life - it doesn't really fit into the above cycle.

Does taking the next step mean pursuing the idea of trying to get my written work published? Does it mean focusing on my photography and possibly setting up my own business? Does it mean looking for a full-time job? I feel adrift in a sea of indecision. I'm excited to take the next step but I am at a loss to know what that step is.

What would the next step be?

I believe that life has to move forward - becoming stagnant is a dangerous thing. But sometimes it is necessary to carve out some time from the busyness of life to figure out where you need to go and what you need to do.

So I'm carving out some time to try and figure out what the next step would be and grasp what I need to do. But in amongst all this turmoil I know that it will all work out in the end... There will be bumps and stumbles and a heap of mistakes and many, many hurts but it will be okay.

Life may not take me where I expect it to but I am determined to enjoy the ride.


Image found here.

Got Me Thinking...

I started a new unit at uni last Wednesday - Written Communication - and one of the first tasks has really got me thinking and suffering from sleepless nights.

The lecturer asked the class to write their own obituaries with unusual or creative causes of death. Slightly macabre maybe but the result was some interesting manners of death.

But that's not what's causing my sleeplessness. I'm not terrified that I'm going to be burnt at the stake under accusation of witchcraft (my cause of death). Rather the exercise caused a chain reaction of thoughts making me wonder what if I really was to die how would my obituary read. What would be written in my eulogy?

There is some book or movie or speech - I can't remember which - that makes reference to living the first line of your eulogy. If I were to die today, right this second, what would be said about my life? To clarify this isn't my way of announcing that I have a deadly disease and am not expected to make it to Christmas. This is more of a reflective exercise.

My life has had some interesting parts to be sure. But when push comes to shove have I lived a life that could fill a page? I wonder how my life would be remembered.

These are things that could be said:
- She was undertaking a Bachelor of Arts majoring in English Literature (not completed)
- She was a wanna be photographer
- She fancied herself to be a bit of a poet (unpublished)
- She wanted to be an author but never really got around to it
- She lived in PNG for a while there and a few places in Australia
- She blogged
- She struggled with chronic pain and lived with a disability
- She traveled a bit but not as much as she would have liked

Now, don't get me wrong, I am by no means unhappy with my life. I am more just wondering about the measure of my life. Also how can you go about summing up a life? What can be considered as a 'well lived' life?

I would like, whenever my time ends, to be able to be talked about as a poet, photographer and author. I would like to be considered as someone who follows their art and doesn't compromise on their values. As someone who maintains integrity and truth.


This is not a complaint... It is more a reality check. Reminding me that life is short and you can't afford to waste one single moment of it. I need to enjoy all of my life, not just waiting for it all to come together. Is life a sum total of all the small parts or is it the bigger things that matter?

The question of the day is: What would your eulogy say about you?